Lost Track

     Apparently, I can finally post something. After undergoing this past 4 months of the new season of life, A.K.A 2021, I kinda turn to be a slacker. Frankly, I'm indeed a slacker, but I've been sober, and finally, it relapses after few things happened to me. 

    So, I've been in love with someone recently, this is a piece of really big news for me since I really have no idea how to deal with this kind of feeling yet, especially when you barely know that person. guess love is indeed a hurricane. I won't tell you anything about that person, the thing is I'm too obsessed with that kind of thing. It's really hard for me to focus and stop thinking about spending my time with that person. Especially next week is my midterm, so I have to study hard to boost my GPA which is just mediocre. Speaking about mediocrity, Frankly, I don't wanna be that type of person since I kinda hate mediocrity which is what I'll tell you in my next blog? probably, just remind me to tell you that.

unknown road (pic, not mine)

    Additionally, I took 23 credits this semester which is I thought I can handle it but it just makes me insane cause it's really hard to keep myself on a good track. It's really a different case from the 22 credits I took last semester since the subject is way harder, I'm just so naive to think It's not a big deal if I took more credit this term. Despite that, It decreases my guts to do my homework since I have low self-esteem and also kinda dumb to trust myself without a guide from another person. I also have a schedule to support me from being more procrastinate. I'm free on Monday and Friday which is I have a lot of classes on other days. 

    And most importantly, I always feel lonely every time (This is the reason why I started this blog) which makes it really hard to do the useful thing, But I admit It's just me since I let that feeling get through into my head every time. You know what the hilarious thing is? I'm always thinking that I am destined to be alone just how hard myself to build some kind of connection either It's from school tendency or not it just won't work. I've been reaching out to some of my friends and even stranger but They just let me and my hollow feeling alone in the dark. 

    After watching and stalking some people (yeah I'm indeed a freak) I just realized to be a great person we can't rely upon another person, sometimes we have to make the first move either with someone or not. Don't let that hollow or empty feeling let you not be you. If there's nothing that can make your move, then find something that can do that. In life, nothing is better than change, things around us are gonna change as well. We start changing when we start thinking we should change, doesn't it? That's why we should start moving forward either we're ready or not. Stop thinking about how lonely you're cause it's not the real problem, the real problem is beneath yourself. 

    So, I probably stop thinking or calling I'm lonely because I still have me. Wear your seatbelt cause this person will speed beyond the limit. Guess who's ready for another chapter in life? MEE

  

malgré votre solitude, vous comptez

Be Your Hero

It's almost a year since Corona Apocalypse happened. The time just passed down just like a wind. Anyway sorry for the lack of post, it's so hard to keep this lazy ass productive, I find myself always laying in the bed whenever I have free time. Anyway the more I grow I think the more I become confident and diligent and of course wiser but slightly dumber I guess. I've been thinking about this, but how can I become a better person each day? what I should be?

This is why you need your own hero, your own pinned person, the person who you like and you wanna be.

For me, there's some person who changed my life especially during the quarantine that makes clarity in my thought. for me those heroes are :

Alec Steele

Damn this person is amazing, too bad I didn't find him sooner. This man is about my age, just maybe 2 or 3 years older but he already has a wife, his own business, and A DOG. he left his school at 16 years old and start his own blacksmithing business. he started blacksmithing at 12 years old, yeah such a young age to do something that hard. Playing with fire and hammer at such young age is dangerous, but his passion did not let him stop doing what he loves. I really admire him, at that age I can only play video games and never go outside. what I admire the most is his hard work and his passion to do nothing he likes and brave enough to do something risky. Oh yeah, even though he didn't finish high school but he also really bright, he really good at physic and math and also he can speak french !! sexy level in person increases when he can speak french XD. oh yeah, he is a person who makes me really into blacksmithing and working hard and willing to take risks.

Mark Rober

He and me are both engineers, but we both are in different majors. He's majoring in mechanical engineer while I'm majoring in chemical. Both those majors are alike though, ChE is specific in making a product or does some plant design while mechanical is specific in making the thing (machine) to make that product. What I like about him, He had a lot of ideas and whenever he had one he executes it. it's really the opposite of me who too lazy or afraid to execute the idea in my mind. After I watch his video, being an engineer is really cool. He makes me realize being an engineer is so much fun, you can easily execute the idea you had and make it into reality. The 2 years of my suffering in my major is finally fade away, the reason why I'm suffering is I won't open my eyes to find what good or what the bright side in my major. All I wanna achieve is only a good grade, and a lot of scholarships, those things make me not realizing how fun study is. It does not matter if someone has a better grade than you while your effort and knowledge are higher. Don't compare your life with other people, you do it cause you have fun. Not for a present or anything in return. watching his videos make my heart beats really fast full of excitement. 

They both make me realize to work harder and not comparing my life to other people. Cause my life is mine the life I suppose to have. Oh yeah, both also open my eyes to not afraid of changing and make a risk for something I wanna do. Maybe you think there's a better or maybe more talented person out there, but for me, both are my hero cause they filled something in my life. It sounds Cheesy but yeah I like them a lot, makes me wanna be that person and keep running to me our distance not too big.

malgré votre solitude, vous comptez

FORWARD BACKWARD

Whoah just like the blink in the eyes, 2020 is now over And I'm practically 20 years old :)

2020 has been a rough year, just like a roller coaster it makes me wanna puke. but most likely this year is the best year for me. I learn and maturing so much this year. Quarantine has taught me to be a better person. I'm kinda introvert so I feel comfortable doing stuff in my home all-day. Before quarantine begins I do not really feel I've been maturing enough or I can say, there's just a little improvement in myself every year, and it kinda makes me leave behind the other.

But, when the coronavirus attack, my school finally turn everything online whether it's academic or non-academic stuff. Thank you bat soup from Wuhan, you make my life so much fun and easier :D. If I remember correctly, I do my first online class back in March and finally leave my apartment and back to my parent's house :D. The best thing about living in your parents' house is, you don't have to worry to starve anymore, they do your laundry and most importantly you literally don't have to worry about anything except for your school stuff. But you kinda feel lonely cause sometimes you need to interact with your friends ( not family) directly, I mean meeting them in person.

So 2020 is an unforgettable year for me, it makes me stronger more mature, and be a better person. So, here's the thing about 2020 is really good/bad for me

1. No more offline classes. You don't have to worry about getting up early or take a shower, do your hair, or maybe use a proper cloth. you literally just open your laptop, and baaam, you jest join your class. Another great thing about online classes is, you can wake up five minutes before or maybe exactly the time when the class just started. You can sleep during the class, ditched your professor when he's talking and the most important thing is YOU CAN CHEAT DURING THE EXAM, probably not a good example for you to do this, but hey this is my first time cheating in the exam. Honestly, I think I'm not quite good enough at cheating. I spend almost the same time when I'm not cheating, but hey you can put less effort into every class especially when you don't like the class, like chemical reaction engineer. You don't need to walk to every building or go to the cafeteria and eating your food in hurry. but hey you spend less time and effort in the online class, right?
2. Your job is much easier. Since I'm a lab assistant in my department this term, the actual lab is holding until further notice causes of the pandemic, so my job right now is just checking the student assignments. It's easier when you don't have an actual lab job.
3. You have more spare time. Since everything is converted online, you don't have to move from one building to another building, it's more efficient.

Everything good, not always exactly good, there's also a bad side from 2020 according to mine

1. Online classes, more like Homework Classes. Yeah, since lecturing converted to online, my professor gives me more homework than before, and it's much harder. and since it's also online my professor has a really high expectation of his students. You suppose to know everything he asked. But, it's kinda fine to me since you don't have another thing to do, and you can search google whenever you want.
2. You can't go anywhere. Since I'm high risk, I can't go anywhere. It kinda sucks either when you can't even meet your friends in person. Since I don't really have a lot of friends, it's fine I guess.

Well, last year has been an upside-down, but still the best and memorable year for me. It's a great year when you not really an outgoing person. I hope 2021 will be a better year for me and at least I can accomplish something. Oh yeah, since I'm a bit busy I'll post probably once a month or twice a month.

malgré votre solitude, vous comptez

LOVE KILLER

Love, yeah most of us already know it. But, does everyone define it the same? Probably not. Some of us think it's a sexual attraction, and some of us also think it's a feeling between two people. But for me, love is not just a feeling between two people who get attracted to each other. For me, it's more about feeling to care about something. Your brain just can not stop thinking about something. Yeah for me, that's feeling is love. Caring about your job, your children, your pets, or else is love. Most people think they can not live without love. Yeah, I agree with that. Being loved or love something is important for human beings, not just humans but every living creature in the world. For example, if you have more than one pet in your house, like dogs or cats you can see how bound they are. That bound is also love. Love can connect us, whether you know or ever meet that person or not.

So, for the last few months, I've met (not met though, just stalking) " yeah I'm creepy and I know it XD" and I think I'm falling in love with that person. I like how hard worker and talented that person is, and also that person seems to see the world from every perspective. And that's why I'm falling in love with that person. But, I don't know how that person behaves or how that person responds to a stranger like me. Internet is getting big and bigger, you can easily meet strangers either from your state or even from another country and continent. Thank god, I'm living in this era. It will be suck if I have to write a letter to interact with my friend during this pandemic. Anyway loving someone is great, but also kinda making me dumb, I'm always thinking about that person every minute and can not erase it from my brain. But, yeah I like this feeling. The feeling about thinking and caring for something or someone that you care about even though you don't really know that person but you love that person anyway, pretty dumb huh ?.

Besides that, I also care about my family ( sounds extremely cheesy right ? haha). because they are the reason why I'm strong and become the person who I am now. But, sometimes I feel that caring and loving feeling slowly dissipated away from me. The reason is, I have something that I more focused on, like my college and my addiction. Yeah, addiction is really a love killer, you can be addicted to porn, your cell phone, alcohol, sex, or else that make you forget about loving or being loved by someone. Addiction is a big deal nowadays, I kinda have that problem though, right now, I'm trying to figure how to get rid of that problem out. It's hard for me to not checking to my phone since I don't have any real friends. I spend most of my time just watching some random video on youtube or comparing myself to other people. I admit it, it's an extremely bad thing to do, but I find it really hard to get out of this situation. When I was in high school, I have the same problem, but it relapses and getting worse during this pandemic. But, I'm really trusting myself that I can handle this, I can get up by myself, walking to the light in the darkroom that full of temptation. I believe God in myself, how bad, and how worse my situation got god will help me and give me his power to overcome this situation. That's why, how small your loving will in your heart, you have to keep it and don't let it die. Because love can connect us, it can destroy the boundary between every kind of aspect, like race, age, place, time, or even gender. that's what I believe. anyway, sorry for the lack of post I've been really busy with my college life in chemical engineering it's a really hard major, it really needs a lot of effort even in this situation when you can cheat during the exam.

malgré votre solitude, vous comptez

WRITING SUCKS

Apparently, I started writing this blog 2 months ago. Actually, this is my first time writing a blog, I have no idea how to write properly since I'm really bad at writing. I noticed I tell something (in writing obviously) in a bad way, I doubt you guys don't understand what my point is. Well, this is me I know I'm really bad at this but at least I have tried, I like to try something, and most of all I want to improve my writing skill since I am really bad at that. Most of you also noticed how my English skill and grammar are, they really bad either ( I'm bad at everything though), just a message for you guys never ever skip an English class or you are gonna end up like me XD. Well, that is what I want to tell you guys this week, too simple I guess. 

Oh yeah, since I was a kid I always think being a writer or journalism is easy, everyone can do that but turns out it's pretty difficult, you must have a good storytelling skill otherwise everyone will not understand what your point is, yeah like I did in this blog. But regardless of bad or good your skill is writing is important to express yourself, like express your feeling, your knowledge, your story whether is real or not and most importantly express about who you are ( it usually needed when you want to apply on college or job you want). It's ok if you write in your current skill level, but it will be better if you improve that skill as you grow older and furthermore if you consider going to college you are gonna meet a lot of colleges essay whether academic or non-academic ( extracurricular). I don't have  much to say this week so, see you next week (or next day)

malgré votre solitude, vous comptez

HOW TO FLIP THE COIN

Something happened to me for the last 3 weeks, and I don't really want to talk about it. I messed up, a lot. In the end, I did some research and I just found that I'm bipolar. At last, it makes sense now. My behavior for the past 6 years. Like when I made decisions about my major or like the time when I interact with other people. I don't know if bipolar is just some kind of bullshit or not, but it did really happen to me. So, I'll tell you what I have been through. 

(image resource : https://fortune.com/2017/03/15/ebay-exec-career-advice-trust-instincts/)

Basically I just a coin, yeah a whole coin that has 2 sides. That side was opposite each other. Sometimes I feel happy and sometimes I feel desperate. Well, it's practically normal though because everyone feels sad or happy in their life, so it's technically normal. The thing is, it happened really fast, you can have the mood swing anywhere and anytime if something you want to happen doesn't happen to you or if something bad happened to you. It's not only the mood swing but also the behavior you have. Well, I don't really have the unstable behavior, sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no, maybe it caused by that. According to my research (on the internet). Someone who has bipolar most likely had a certain period in their mood swing. There is a happy, transition, and sad (crazy) period. 

In my happy period, I will usually be a jokester, telling jokes every time I met people including my teacher, I don't really care if I'm telling something funny or not, I just told them anyway. I'm also always exiting about anything including some tiny stupid or crazy things like when I'm having dinner together with my friend or when I found a penny in my pocket. I always smiling and laughing every time ( hell yeah, I'm crazy XD) I always thinking about something that I'll do, like dressing or brushing my teeth. Pretty dumb huh? but when I'm in my happy period I literally exiting about anything. A few months ago, I really want to be a youtube, I made some video and some scripts in my notebook. I even made my future planning about how to increase viewers or subscribers or even scheduled the video that I should post. But I'm over that, turns out no one supports me and no one even bothers to watch that shit. Well here goes my future plan.

In my transition period, I slightly become less social and become reserved. In this period I feel rage in my body and mind. I am also more likely to make a bad decision and do not really care about other people feeling. I feel I'm the right person here and other people just wrong. I also become temperament. In this period I recommended you guys to avoid me. Even though I look normal but I holding much anger in my hand. This happens when there's something that makes me sad just recently happened to me. I feel clouded and can't make a clear decision. 

The last is a sad period. In this state I literally avoiding people and conversation, I feel shit and useless. In this state, I'm more likely to end myself. I have that thought every time I entered this state and thanks to god, I'm never attempted that such thing. Well thanks to god again, I still have reasons to live, that was my family and god. Just want to say, how pitiful or sad your life is, suicide is never the answer, you still have someone who cares for you and you still have your belief. life is a gift. I think I'm kind of naive for telling those things but yeah, I believe what I said right now. Back to the topic, in this state, get annoyed when someone telling me what to do, telling me that I'm wrong. You know that something people's decision is bad according to your point of view, but if you look at another perspective, maybe another person's decision is right. That's why you shouldn't judge them or telling them what to do. Less judge, more supportive. In this state, I really need some support from other people, but I wouldn't expect much because no one cares about me even my closest friend. 

Well, it's really hard to be bipolar, you really need support from other people. But if other people wouldn't help you, you have to help yourself. Being bipolar kinda suck either. You can't choose something resolutely. Sometime you think that you are right and sometimes you think that you are wrong. 

if you're reading this and you are not bipolar, maybe you have to be more aware of strange behavior. If someone in their transition or sad period you should just let them do whatever they do, support them if they don't want to talk, don't force them just keep supporting them.

malgré votre solitude, vous comptez

THE POWER OF HIGH GOAL

So, there's a mid-test next week and I've not studied or read the notes I've taken during the class. I think I'm quite slacking off this week or maybe last week cause I didn't write anything even though I've got a lot of spare time. To be honest, I'm not really felt guilty or regret it ( maybe slightly feel it though)  from a certain podcast I heard, you shouldn't regret a decision you just make because it gives a reward like maybe fun or something else. It does not mean you should slack off and not doing your job, it's more like your obligation, right ? what I mean is, you have to appreciate what you just do because it has always given you a positive and negative impact. like when you procrastinating by watching some youtube videos and not doing your homework you're gonna get a negative side like a short amount of time to do it, despite that you also get fun. 

So, today I'm not really doing anything, gonna reward myself for the hard work I've done this far. Just want to mention, I have set a really high target for my GP this term. Even though I'm not really good or smart in this major, like I said in Introduction but still, I'm gonna try hard to accomplish it. This is how I motivated myself to get a high GP, by setting my goal as high as I can (but it still have to be realistic) That's why I got an almost perfect GP last term. But, sadly I just realize this method last term and being ignorant for the whole of my freshman year and half of my sophomore. Back then, I  have thought that I'm not good at this major and keep being ignorant until I graduate. That's because I don't have a high target. It makes me put everything in a low effort. And you shouldn't do that, you have to put everything in the high effort as possible as you can. Because you don't know what will come to you, maybe the thing that you put less effort into maybe will affect your life or maybe it can make you a millionaire? the future is full of mystery, everything you do in past will be connected to your future, that's why you have to give everything your best for every activity you do. 

Hope I can survive this mid-test, honestly I barely even learn anything this term and still don't know what subject I should learn first because everything is hard, especially if you majoring in engineering and you not good at math. It's like you're entering a swimming competition with fish. You still can win though, but you have a tiny amount of chance to win.

malgré votre solitude, vous comptez

Tell your story through things

Hello, gangs sorry for not posted anything last week. My deadline keeps chasing me, and I have literally a test in every class I took this term, I don't expect more because I'm majoring in chemical engineering. So, I've been through something terrible this week, I'm terrified and even lost interest in living. Just wanna tell you guys, no matter how bad or turning down the situation is, you have to keep living and enjoy every moment of your life because life is a blessing from god. But how did I manage to survive that terrible situation? I've been producing a lot of DOPAMINE, for you who don't know what dopamine is, it's kind of protein hormone released by your brain and it can make you happy whenever it released. According to my research ( Youtube :D) there are two circumstances when it can release from your brain, either you make something or consume something. Take the example, when you eat something tasty, you feel good right ? and when you are watching youtube, doing drugs, or even jerking off :D all those things can make you feel good right? It because you consume or doing something that can trigger your brain to produce dopamine. In other conditions, you can feel good too when you make something, feeling satisfied or even happy after you are done making those things caused by dopamine I said earlier. So, which one of you think is better? get it from making things or consume things. It's definitely making things right? you can either get a new skill or even  experience and most importantly a result in real shape (not real object though, video or even art is included)

Sometimes all you need is making thing

That was a thing I made earlier this week, I didn't even use any glue though (definitely not lying) just kidding, I'm using glue though. I know it's simple or even stupid, but I'm personally happy and enjoying making that thing. After learning about getting dopamine from this action, Sometimes I'm thinking of being a carpenter or blacksmith like Alec Steele. I found that guy was really cool for doing what he likes, and he also talented as well. Hope I can  survive or even still live next week

malgré votre solitude, vous comptez

YOU WILL BE FOUND (The introduction)

Hello everyone

Have you ever felt alone before in your life?

How does it feel? it sucks right? 

Finding yourself alone and no one reached your hand, it kinda sucks. Yeah, this is how I feel right now, not just now but every second in my life. Probably it happened since I was born? I don't really know either though. But I started feeling this since I was in high school, senior year for sure. Finding myself in the middle of nowhere, no clue where I was, no idea how I suppose to do, and no destination. The worst part is, there's no single friend or even family member to help you deal with those things. This is what I've been dealing with since my senior year in high school. First of all, it begins when I started choosing my major, I was thinking, what will I become should I be a doctor? lawyer? engineer? teacher ? or what. Not lawyer for sure, because I hate law subject since elementary school and  I must say I'm pretty bad at that subject, I even barely passed that class haha. I don't know what gotten into me, but in the end, I choose chemical engineering, and here I'm now. Turns out it's not a very good idea, I don't consider my really bad skill and grade in physic and math during high school. However I'm still struggling and here I am now, currently on 2nd year of my college (Hope I can graduate exactly 4 years). 

My real pain begins at my very first class in college. "I don't really understand this, how I suppose to do? how I survive this, what should I do? how do I doooo, anyone, please help me???" This is literally my voice in my head every time during my classes, I literally hoping someone shows up and helping me, well what a naive young boy I am. Maybe you should start to imagine the situation that I just told you haha, Jk. Let me explain the situation. Like I said before, I'm pretty bad at physic and math, and my major is LITTERALLLY  about that both devil. Every single class I've taken is literally about those two subjects it's like you being trapped in the mousetrap. You got the picture now, right? When you have no friend or someone to teach you, all you have to do is to teach yourself and you have to do whatever it takes to pass the classes. It's not like I'm shy or something, I think I'm a hyperactive person and like to interact with other people.  I'm not really that introvert but still, I literally have no friend. I didn't even know where my mistakes are, but still, no one told me where I went wrong. It's slowly making me introvert and back to my closed were the place I should be. I know, feeling blue is not the answer to solve the problem, but it really feels comfortable.

According to the article, I read there is 40% of teenagers around the world are depressed for being alone, just like me. Maybe that happened because most people think they're weird, or they just can't fit into the society where they are living. Take me for example, I'm kinda weird and nerd, I like what most people don't like in my area. I like star wars, musicals, and saying quirky jokes every time I interact with other human beings, but most people don't like what I did and they think I'm a creep, so hard pass. Sometimes it makes me kind of down or hating to interact with other people and choosing to lock myself in my room. But I believe if those lonely people connecting there are no other people being left or alone in this world.

This is why I'm creating this blog, I hope someone out there feels the same way I feel. I can't find my source of light but still, I can be that light for somebody else who searching for their light as well. And that's also the reason why this blog is written in English to reach more people around the globe. Even though I don't really good at English, especially in writing. But it's better than do nothing right ? and if you found some mistakes about the pronunciation or grammar in the article I wrote please don't tell me, I'll figure it out myself. Because I have some week feeling hahaha Jk. Just do whatever you want, I'm happy to hear your feedback 

fun fact: this is actually my first time writing a blog :), hope I can be better as time passed

malgré votre solitude, vous comptez